Battle of Wits with LIFE

To do list:
1. Laundry…we’re TOTALLY out of clean clothes.
2. Go to the store (to get laundry detergent).
3. Clean the house

***

LIFE: Alright. Which are you going to choose to do first? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and follow through, and we find out who was right. And who is screwed.

ME: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Is today the sort of day that the kids will leave me alone long enough to straighten up the house before I start anything else, or not? Now, a clever woman knows that only a great fool would trust in her children‘s good behavior on ANY given day. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose to clean the house first. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I clearly should try to straighten up, just a little, so I can attempt to not feel even more overwhelmed than I already do.

LIFE: You’ve made your decision then?

ME: Not remotely. Because there is not enough time in the day to do everything, as everyone knows, and I also have to care for the children, and children are not compatible with a timed schedule, and time is defined by you. So I clearly cannot choose to clean the house at all today.

LIFE: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

ME: Wait till I get started!! Where was I?

LIFE: Time.

ME: Yes. ..Time. And you would have suspected that I would have known I couldn’t fit everything into one day, so I clearly cannot choose to leave anything out. I have to do laundry, go to the store, clean the house, and care for the children.

LIFE: You’re just stalling now.

ME: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? You’ve made sure we’re totally out of clean clothes, which means I have to do laundry before I do anything else. But you’ve also depleted my laundry detergent supply, which means I have to go to the store in dirty clothes to buy the detergent to do the laundry. Yet you know that everything we own either has food stains or smells, so I clearly cannot choose to go to the store.

LIFE: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.

ME: It has worked! You’ve given everything away! I know what to do first!

LIFE: Then make your choice.

ME: I will, and I choose… What in the world can that be?

LIFE: What? Where? I don’t see anything.

ME: Well, I, I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.

LIFE: What’s so funny?

ME: I’ll tell you in a minute. First, I‘ll choose. I choose to do a small load of laundry as the first thing I do today…just a little one piece outfit for the baby and a pair of jeans for me and Sam.

LIFE: You chose wrong, there is not even enough detergent left for that.

ME: You only think I chose wrong! That’s what’s so funny! I diluted the old detergent when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never use the Chinese Birth Chart to plan the conception of your child, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Mama when time is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha—

BABY: *has a poop that explodes out of his diaper and onto his only clean outfit*

LIFE: There was no choice that would not have resulted in the mom getting screwed. I’ve spent years influencing the inopportune timing of explosive baby poop.

***

** In case you are not familiar with the Princess Bride scene in which this post was sampled…

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