Dreaming of Hairbows

March 25, 2009 at 3:35 pm 9 comments

Every Sunday morning I gaze across at a sea of patent leather mary-janes, hair bows, pigtails, and cute little dresses. Several little polo shirts paired with the same khaki pants are freckled in along with them…a few try to mix it up a bit with a sweater vest, but it’s still the same outfit.

I can’t help but feel a little pang of jealousy and longing.

It’s Easter time and I walk through various children’s clothing aisles. Every store has the same set-up. Row after row of sweet little girl things that taunt me with their cuteness…dresses, shoes, purses, hair bows, tights, jewelry. Then off to the side, there’s one sad little boy rack who stands in the corner. He’s whispering “injustice” with all of his identical little mini-vest outfits that come in a choice of 3 predictable color combinations.

I can’t help but feel a little pang of jealousy and longing.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys. I love having boys period. If I had two girls, I’d feel a jealous longing for a boy.

When my husband and I first got engaged, we decided on our future children’s names…yeah, we like to be prepared like that I guess. We were sure we would have two children -a girl and a boy- called Corinne and Samson. We both had a dream about Corinne shortly after we were married. She was about 2, had dark curly hair…and was the firstborn in both of our dreams. We were sure those dreams would someday come into fruition.

I imagined myself with Corinne many times before I got pregnant. Funny thing happened though…once I found out I was pregnant, I got an internal sense immediately that it was a boy. My husband started talking about “her” and about the dreams, and it hit me. Of course it’s a girl! How was that not my first instinct?

My mom called the baby “she” in the beginning too, and when I reminded her that it might be a boy, she said “oh it has to be a girl!”

My sister had 3 bags of pink dresses before the pee dried on the pregnancy test.

I tried to warn everyone before the ultrasound that I really thought it was a boy. Although no one seemed disappointed, I apologized at the words “it’s a boy” as if I were comforting a friend who just got some bad news.

But everyone was excited to imagine meeting this baby boy, and we loved calling him Sam. My focus turned toward designing the “Sam I Am” nursery (that I had been planning for the past 5 years), and my sister’s focus went toward organizing the baby shower with the same Suess-y theme.

I assumed the little girl from our mutual dream would come in the form of baby #2. In fact, I was going to make sure of it.

I met someone when I was pregnant with Sam who told me about the Chinese Birth Chart. He told me that it was an amazingly accurate gender predictor that works by corresponding the age of the mother at the time of conception with the month of conception. He said that his brother and sister in law’s ultrasound tech was wrong about the gender of both their children, but that the Chinese Birth Chart correctly predicted the sex both times. I ran home and googled it and checked what it predicted for myself and a few of my pregnant and recently post-partum friends. It was right for all of us. Over the next couple years, I became obsessed with its accuracy. I checked it for every pregnant woman I encountered. It was only wrong once out of the twelve or more pregnancies I tested it on before I got pregnant the second time.

I was so convinced of it’s accurate gender predicting capabilities, that I used it to plan the timing of our next child’s conception. It said that at age 31, a conception that occurred in Oct, Nov, or Dec would result in a baby girl. So, naturally I made it a plan to start trying for our second in October. That way, if it didn’t work, we would have two more “girl months” to try.

I got pregnant immediately. But a funny thing happened. I got the exact same internal feeling that I was carrying a boy that I had gotten when I found out I was pregnant with Sam. But I just shook it off and assumed it was just an inclination reminiscent of my last pregnancy. The Chinese Birth Chart wasn’t wrong.

Again, my husband prayed for “her” health and my sister bought another 3 bags of girl clothes. Even my mother-in-law was sure it was a girl, and my sister-in-law, and most everyone who had an opinion on the matter. Only one friend guessed it would be a boy (but that’s another blog for another time).

I continued to test the CBC on every pregnant woman I could find. Ironically, as soon as I got pregnant, it started reversing its accuracy every time. If it read “boy,” the woman would have a girl and vice versa. Every. Time. It got to the point that I could accurately predict the gender of a woman’s baby by telling her she would have the opposite of what the CBC predicted.

Sure enough, the Chinese Birth Chart was wrong for me too. And I am so glad it was. I have learned so much about God’s mercy and wisdom through this experience, and I feel so guilty and ashamed for trying to control what a beautiful, fun loving gift He had for me.

My little Max is so awesome. I worried that I wouldn’t have a close relationship with a boy like I would with a girl. My mom was always my best friend, and I’ve always wanted a close relationship like that with my children. It just seemed like it would be more likely…and more familiar…to have a deep bond with a daughter. But, as Anne Shirley might say, Max is a “kindred spirit.” He lights up with the biggest, happiest little grin every time he sees me, and I, him. He’s my little buddy, and has so much of my personality already (which might work against us someday, I know). Not to demean my love for, or my relationship with, my older son. It’s just that I love how I tried to make sure Max would be a girl, and it turned out that I couldn’t have planned a more awesome baby if I could have designed him myself. God, You Rock!

Even if Max would have been a girl, I know that we would still try for a third. Some people just know when they’re pregnant that they want it to their last child. I never got that sense. I felt through my pregnancy and Max’s infancy that “this just can’t be the last time I do this.” So, if it is in God’s will, we will hopefully have another. And I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping for a girl next time.

But even if I never get to buy a little dress or twist a little pigtail of dark curls, at least I can take advantage of the stores that sell a couple little extra boy accessories during holidays. And who could not delight just as much in the adorableness of this…

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I Never Thought I Would Say… Could Be Worse

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Tiffany  |  March 25, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    I do get to buy the dresses and bows, but having my only girl have special needs, I feel the same longing you do at times. I do know that I have a very close relationship with both my boys that I think will closely resemble what I have with my mom. At least the boy clothes are getting cuter!! 🙂 I hope you are blessed with a third and that it’s a girl!

    Reply
  • 2. faemom  |  March 25, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    He’s adorable. And we really ought to talk as I have two boys and have that pang of jealousy when I see the Christmas dresses, the Easter dresses, oh well, all the dresses. I have to go to at least three stores to find them something cute to wear for special occasions. We’ll be trying on a third hopefully sometime this year and hoping for a little girl to even out all the testostorone.

    Reply
  • 3. tlc  |  March 25, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    Tiffany- Thank you for sharing that your relationship with your boys resembles the relationship you have with your mom. I so hope that will be the case for me and my boys!

    Fae- I know what you mean about the testosterone…even our dog’s a boy. I’m so outnumbered! Maybe we will be able to blog out our thrid pregnancies together 🙂

    Reply
  • 4. KathyB!  |  March 25, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    I empathize, but from the opposite side of the aisle. I so wanted a little boy! I think the expereince of parenting a boy is likely different than that of a girl, and with four kids I feel gyped that I didn’t get to have that experience. Funny how things work out, isn’t it?!

    When my girls are teenagers you can read my blog and laugh hysterically about how you hit the jackpot by NOT getting any girls 🙂

    Reply
  • 5. ck  |  March 26, 2009 at 1:29 am

    You had me at Anne (with an “e”) Shirley.

    And you know she would have loved Max, as well as the way you tried to talk God into a girl.

    (I tried to talk Him into a boy. The CBC reinforced my plan. But the whole “Huston-we-have-a-vagina” thing kind of threw everything off. I’ve always been grateful that God has a sense of humor. I KNOW my declarations must be a constant source of entertainment…)

    Reply
  • 6. Gibby  |  March 26, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    I was just having this gender conversation with some friends yesterday. And I have to admit, before having kids I had imagined 3, named Hannah, Ian, and Claire. So I end up with two girls and neither one of them are named Hannah or Claire! Now I can’t imagine it any different and although I always wanted a boy, I am OK with not having one.

    P.S. If it makes you feel any better, buying an Easter outfit for a girl adds up quickly…dress, tights, shoes, sweater (because all the dresses are sleeveless and hello, it snowed here last Easter), purse (in order to avoid the meltdown), hair bows or headband, etc, etc. Multiply this times 2 (or 4 for Kathy B!) equals CHA-CHING!

    Reply
  • 7. parenting BY dummies  |  March 27, 2009 at 11:20 am

    It’s like you read my mind. I recently posted a similarly themed blog on my own page about my life with all boys (not to scare you, but my third was a boy too), and how I love them madly, but still long for life with a daughter. Since the dream is over for me, I’ll keep hope alive for you. And, like some of the others noted, could you imagine having to buy Easter outfits for two or three girls? EXPENSIVE! But, just one would be nice, wouldn’t it?!

    Reply
  • 8. K  |  March 28, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    I just knew I was having a boy too.

    At first I kinda wanted a girl, but I’m really happy with my boy.

    I was also obessed with the chinese birth calender too. I was actually looking at it the other day when I was thinking about possible number 2 someday in the futurer – which I know is just silly.

    But the dresses are really cute. Hard not to be a little jealous.

    Reply
  • 9. What Not to Wear « Spilled milk  |  March 31, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    […] beginning to think that little girls are the only demographic that the stores cater to at Easter. The women’s/juniors department only had 3 dresses. One was a polyester floral grandma uniform. […]

    Reply

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