What Not to Wear

March 31, 2009 at 8:00 pm 8 comments

Sometimes I buy clothes in the little Girls department and cut the tags out so no one will know.

Am I secretly afraid that I’m going to show up somewhere wearing the same thing as someone’s eight year old daughter? Yes. Of course I am.

But before you go judging me, let me just say that I’m short, I have a short torso, narrow shoulders, and most women’s clothes just don’t fit. I usually shop in the Juniors department since it‘s less embarrassing. But, Girls clothes are cheaper than Women‘s or Juniors, and thanks to the childhood obesity epidemic, I’ve found that a size large in Girls is usually bigger than a size small in Juniors. So, sometimes I buy my clothes from Limited Too or Toys R Us. Suck it. You would do it too if you were me. (or maybe you already do…)

I’ve been looking for a new dress for Easter with no luck. So, the other day, I left Sam home with daddy and went to yet another store to see if I could find anything. The baby came along with me.

I’m beginning to think that little girls are the only demographic that the stores cater to at Easter. The women’s/juniors department only had 3 dresses. One was a polyester floral grandma uniform. And the other two were a tragic, identical pair of man-made-fiber wrap dresses– one in black and the other in red. They were hideous and not very Easter-y.

So, I checked out the girls dept. and there were dresses galore. Some too juvenile and frilly, and some too short and geared for prosti-tots. Not much there that I could see myself in. Then I found a dress that I didn’t particularly love, but I also didn’t hate it and it looked like something an adult would wear. It had a fitted halter bodice, a full, A-symmetric skirt, and was a dark dusty pink in a nice, heavy cotton. (Maybe you’ve seen it. Perhaps your daughter is wearing it right now.)

I decided to try it on. I wheeled my sleeping baby into the fitting room with me, and squeezed the fitted bodice over my slightly enlarged nursing-mama breasts.

BLECH! I held my arm against my forehead to shield the glare coming from my pasty white legs. My breasts became one in the tight bodice…a smothered uni-boob compressed in a pretty pink wrapper. The hem hit just below my knee in the front and back, and tapered mid-calf on the sides, making my colorless calves look swollen and ugly. As if that weren’t bad enough, I learned that a full skirt does not hide widened hips and a little extra junk in the trunk like I thought it would …it accentuates it.

Why didn’t I just order something online? I love online shopping. It’s quick and easy, and you don’t have to wear pants if you don‘t want to. I’ve taken hours and hours to look in several stores, just to find there’s nothing out there. I could’ve done that at home on my computer in 45 minutes.

I untied the halter straps behind my neck and began to pull the top down. Hmm, too tight…won’t come down. I tugged and pulled. Trying to lift it up or pull it down. It wouldn’t budge.

Crap, it’s stuck.

I try again and again to peel the top half of the dress from my womanly figure.

CRAP. Crap, crap crap. It’s really stuck. Apparently, little girls’ dresses weren’t made for nursing mothers, who knew? I never tried on Girls sizes with my current breast volume.

Maybe I should have thought this out a little more.

  • The baby starts to cry *

Ohhh, crrraappp. Please don’t let his crying cause my milk to come down and my breasts to swell even more.

That’s it. They’ll have to cut me out of this thing. I’m going to have to call the store clerk in here to cut it off of me. There’s no other way it’s coming off.

I divided my attention between consoling the baby and trying to get myself out of this pink nightmare of a dress. And after some circus-worthy contortion on my part, I finally got it off.

So, I went home defeated and looked online. I found a dress that I LOVE and that is unmistakably adult. I’ll leave the tag attached and I won’t have to worry that anyone’s daughter will be hunting Easter eggs in this little number.

…I just hope it fits.

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Entry filed under: shopping. Tags: , , , , .

Could Be Worse Some Guys Have All The Luck

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. KathyB!  |  March 31, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    OH NO!!! That was hilarious, an dyet I feel terrible for you. You must have been in a state of complete and utter panic. So, are you reformed no? Will you ever do this again?!

    Reply
  • 2. ck  |  April 1, 2009 at 12:07 am

    Oh my goodness! That is hilarious.

    I, too, shop in the juniors departments or in pacific sunwear because I’m also super short. So I understand part of your pain. But I’ve never experienced the girls department…for myself at this age.

    I might though, if that means I’ll then write something as funny as: “Maybe you’ve seen it. Perhaps your daughter is wearing it right now.”

    Reply
  • 3. Jenny  |  April 1, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    Oh my, that was too funny. You know, I have to admit that I was quietly feeling the “green monster” as I began readinging this one — until you told me to suck it, which I totally deserved and which made me laugh. Glad you didn’t milk up a little girl’s Easter dress. (And sorry if, by saying that, I just made your blog extra alluring today to perverse Googlers.)

    Reply
  • 4. Ink  |  April 1, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    Thanks so much for doing the blog meme! Loved reading your answers! Am so glad you commented–and please don’t think I’ll be a teacher-y on any comments. I won’t! I am just happy to hear from people.

    And I love your blog title! 🙂

    Reply
  • 5. Ink  |  April 1, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    Er, that should say “all teacher-y” (see! I am Miss Typo Girl).

    Reply
  • 6. faemom  |  April 2, 2009 at 4:01 am

    LOL That was hilarious because I’ve been there too. And I always worry if they cut me out will they think I’m a moron for trying on something so completely small. And will I have to buy the damn thing. I don’t judge you for your shopping style; in my younger (and hotter) days, I bought shirts in the girls section because they were cheaper, better quality, and showed just enough tummy to be cute. Those days are long, long gone. 😉 Hope the dress is beautiful.

    Reply
  • 7. Gibby  |  April 2, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I wish I could shop in the girls section! You go, girl! Although as for getting stuck, I am still chuckling. WITH you, not AT you, as I tell all my blogging buddies. 🙂

    Reply
  • 8. SAHM-I-AM  |  April 6, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    hahaha … not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you. It takes me back to the time I thought I had lost all my baby weight & ventured into a changeroom with a size 4 top. I have no idea how I got the thing off me but I remember sweating while trying. Great blog. Also, it’s good to know that there’s someone else at peace with wearing girls’ clothes … I used to do it in my 20s. Would do it still but, drat, I can’t get one leg in the largest girls’ size skirt these days.

    Reply

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