Archive for June, 2010

35 weeks

I failed miserably at trying to blog out my pregnancy with baby #3. Now that I’m nearing the end, I wanted to get some thoughts out there to commemorate this time in our lives. I hope to get in a few more before baby’s born.

That said…

I decided shortly after I found out that I was pregnant that I didn’t want to find out the baby’s gender. I had a very strong feeling from the beginning that this baby was a (third) boy. I imagined disappointment washing over me at hearing the ultrasound tech tell us it was a boy. I just didn’t want the guilt attached to feeling upset over a healthy baby. I rationalized that if I waited until the moment we met face to face for the first time, my heart would melt as his little hand grasped my finger… and I couldn’t possibly be disappointed then.

As time went on, I started to think about my mom who passed away when I was pregnant with my first child. It was difficult to come to terms with the idea that I may never again have a mother/daughter relationship in my life. I started to fear disappointment in the delivery room even as I looked at his precious little face. I felt so guilty and selfish.

After sharing this struggle with a good friend- who was, at the time, pregnant with her third boy- she urged me to find out the gender at my ultrasound so I could “grieve” not having the little girl I wanted so much. She told me how she really had a hard time dealing with it when she got the news that her third was another boy. She told me that having time before the birth to mentally and emotionally prepare really helped her and that she thought it would really help me too.

Well, since patience is a discipline that eludes me- it wasn’t a hard sell. I convinced my husband that night that I needed to find out. Luckily, he’s so easy-going he didn’t need much of a push to change his mind (even though he had been pretty excited about that “delivery room moment“ up to that night).

So, the big day came. I thought I would be a nervous wreck. But I was completely calm and ready to hear what I already knew… another boy. As the ultrasound tech rolled the lubricated wand across my belly she caught a glimpse of three lines between the baby’s legs.

“See those three lines?“ she asked. “That COULD mean that it’s a girl.”

My eyes instantly welled up with tears, but I quickly pushed back any emotion… she stressed “could” very emphatically. I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

After looking at all the organs and taking the appropriate measurements, she checked the gender-determining area again. She said, “It looks like it’s probably a girl.”

Probably?? What kind of remark is that? I asked if the baby was in an awkward position, making it hard to see for sure. And she said, “oh no, I have a very clear shot. A more bold person would say it was definitely a girl– but I’m not that bold.”

I didn’t have the emotional energy to expend on words like “could” and “probably.” If it really was a girl, I needed to know for sure.

I didn’t expect this at all. I told my husband ahead of time that if they said it was a girl they would have to whip out the smelling salts, because I was completely sure it was a boy.

I still kept looking for the penis. It had to be there, I was sure of it.

I continued to grill the ultrasound tech, “Can you give me a percentage of how sure you are it’s a girl?”

“No,” was her only reply.

“Well, do you think I can go out and start buying dresses?” I continued.
As poker faced as a person can be, she responded, “At 19 weeks, I don’t think anyone can be certain enough to plan for either gender.”

So that was it. We left and I felt like I still didn’t know for sure. I wanted so much to be excited, but I just couldn’t let myself.

Not only was uncertainty killing my enthusiasm, but also the feeling that it was just too good to be true. It’s silly, I know, but I couldn’t help but think it’s not fair that I would have a girl and that it didn’t happen for my friend I mentioned earlier- and other friends as well- who so wanted a girl too.. Why me?

Funny thing is, I remember when I was so sure it was a boy, I thought about all the women I knew who had girls and would think to myself “why them and not me?“

But in spite of guilt and uncertainty, I went ahead and planned for a girl. With much hesitation and not nearly the excitement I imagined I would feel. I hated that feeling. I just wanted to be as excited as I always imagined I would be.

As time went on, I talked to others who had girls and also had the same ultrasound tech. Turns out she was equally as ambiguous with them. So I went ahead and painted the room, holding my breath and cringing as I rolled the pink paint over the blue.

I recently had another ultrasound at 33 weeks- with a different tech. The one who scanned my boys and who I was hoping we would get with this baby. She said she is 99.9% sure it’s a girl!! So, I FINALLY feel like it’s safe to let go of the uncertainty… for the most part. I still don’t think I will truly believe it till I see her. And I think I’ll always feel just a little guilty… and a lot grateful and humbled.

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June 24, 2010 at 8:07 pm 2 comments


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